I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
