we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
