Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
