you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
