I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
