i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
