Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
you traded sex for a burrito?
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You took a bar mat shot.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize