there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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