I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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