i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
