i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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