I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize