I skipped work to stalk him.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
