4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Randomize
