Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
