Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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