You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
jump out the window naked night went bad
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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