Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
