Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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