I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
