Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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