Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
