Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize