I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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