so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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