I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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