Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
why do cheetos always look like penises
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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