my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize