saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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