He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
