So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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