I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
