I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
