I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
