I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
