Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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