a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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