you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
