chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
