I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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