4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
