Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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