My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Randomize
