I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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