Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
He? As in you personified your dick?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
