and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
