allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
