you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Randomize
