I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
