We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
