Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
