I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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