i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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