my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize