Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
