i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize