Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
