I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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