I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
