I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
