The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He did a backflip because drugs
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
