I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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