non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
