i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
