Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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