ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
