I wish I could teleport
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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