im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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