I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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