Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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