I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
