im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
