I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
