mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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